Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Why keep a secret

I think it is very difficult for us humans to have a big experience or story come to us, especially if it is about us in some way, and not want to tell everyone of our good luck or misfortune. Maybe keeping quiet is even more difficult if we understand to keep the story a secret. So why keep a secret? I have recently had a shamanic experience with keeping a secret, and I think in the process of trying to understand the power of not telling what we know, I have found my own answer to why keep a secret.

Some weeks ago I inadvertently discovered a connection to family ancestors that felt like winning the family tree lottery. I told my partner and siblings, but no one else because the story just seemed too big, and I didn't know how to speak about it. That night I had a dream in which I'm walking a down-hill road. I step aside to allow a fuel truck go by. Instead, the truck pulls over on the right and falls over. I see a small fire has been started nearby. I'm aware the truck will explode. The driver is a young man who can't seem to speak although he is gesturing and making sounds. I interpreted the fuel truck to be the ancestor story, and how it would explode into my life from the small fire of awareness started nearby. I felt the driver was also me, not able to speak. I decided to ask my shamanic guidance how to be with this knowledge, and was quite surprised to receive this during a stone divination that I first learned to do from a friend who experienced it at the Foundation for Shamanic Studies.
Listen to your heart. No one is safe with this story.
Much trouble comes here, hidden in greatness.
Let go the knowing, resist the going.
Better to be Queen with us here.

As if this might not be clear enough, that night a dream came in which I am a maid of honor at a wedding. I am at the church wanting to choose a place to sit but all the spaces along a raised dais are already reserved with cushions. I see an empty space one level down and move to put my cushion there but don't think this will be enough to hold my place. I lament that the bride is my best friend and I won't be able to see the ceremony. Someone then ushers me up the stairs to the stage and gestures to two chairs saying "You are sitting here next to the bride."
From that height I look to my left and see a large black bear--glossy coat, well fed, healthy--I understand he is also attending the wedding. The bear looks at me with large liquid eyes that are incredibly sad. Out a small window I see two men with guns moving toward the bear. I know they are hunters and I feel a deep sadness knowing the bear cannot be here and cannot escape because there is no way for it to get out.
The bear in the dream looked very much like this painted oracle card image from the Journey Oracle deck. I awoke feeling quite shaken that telling the details of my discovery might hurt or even kill the spirit world creatures that have been with me for so many years. I believe I am to keep this story a secret so they remain safe, but why? And then I was reading an excerpt from Tom Brown's book, "The Vision" in a copy of Shaman's Drum Magazine and received a powerful insight. Stalking Wolf, the Grandfather is talking about what a true ceremony should be as he helps the boys understand their first experience in the sweatlodge. "In the lodge, you will find purity from all outside distractions. Without the distractions of man, you will touch the Great Mystery." I sense it is not so much the story of illustrious human ancestors but rather the distraction this creates, that keeps us from feeling the power and energy of all the other-than-human life around us. In turning toward our own importance we turn away from spirit, and then we forget how to turn back.