I saw this question in the window of a shop in Campbell River today, and found myself asking, “What is my goal for this New Year?” I decided to watch myself during my interactions in town, and see if I was shown a goal through my experiences. Perhaps oddly enough, a trip into a lingerie store gave a good hint. Some months ago I had ordered an item but subsequently decided I did not like the fit and so did not want it. I felt too guilty to respond to the message saying my order had arrived; I guess I just hoped if I waited long enough the situation would go away. After the second call reminding me of my order I realized I could no longer ignore my responsibility, and so today I went into the store—determined to apologize for my lack of contact. I thought that the least painful way to begin was to just admit to the clerk that I no longer wanted the special order, rather than find some way of excusing my long silence. The shopkeeper was completely understanding and friendly about my change of mind. The anxiety and criticism was all in my mind.
So what is my goal for this New Year? To tell the truth--to myself first. Although this seems both self-evident and fairly simple, I am imagining for most of us it is not. In the short term it seems far easier to create a story or a context that gets us out of feeling bad about ourselves. And yet when we stay in that deception, it grows into feelings that have consequences out of proportion to the original situation.
This goal for the New Year reminds me of one of my favorite questions from the Journey Oracle Card Deck: “Is the nail straight that I am hammering?” When I think of this question in terms of my New Year’s resolution, I realize that the life structure I am daily building depends more on the quality and straightness of the nail—on the straightness of my words to myself, than on the hammer—the external pressures from others. This means that every situation, no matter how apparently trivial or momentary, has the power to guide my awareness toward inner truth.
